The psychology of gift-giving
Who doesn’t like a present? Turns out, quite a lot of us…
Gift-giving is a classic way of showing love and appreciation. Whether it’s a birthday, an anniversary, or a spontaneous token of affection, gifts carry deep emotional significance. But what happens when giving and receiving gifts becomes a source of tension? Why do some people struggle to pick the right gift, feel anxious about receiving one, or avoid the practice altogether? And what if the person you’re in a relationship with doesn’t share the same philosophy on giving as you? Then what?
I’ve been wrestling with that question this week. My husband and I have been together for 21 years and to mark that, my other half gave me a massive cake and a box containing 21 envelopes – one for every year that we’ve known each other, inside which will be another little token of his love for me.
How wonderful. How incredibly generous. How thoughtful. All of that is true. But here’s the problem. I gave him nothing. And suddenly, faced with a two- tier cake and 21 gifts on the one side and diddly squat on the other, I didn’t feel so good. Of course, he was fine, enjoying my surprise and delight. But I felt like a failure. Twenty-one years down the line, I should have known he would have gone overboard and at least bought him a bag of Jelly Babies to appease his sweet tooth. Big fat relationship fail on my part or is this just an example of two people who go about things differently?
The meaning behind giving
At its heart, giving a gift is about more than the object itself—it’s about emotional connection. Choosing a present for a loved one involves thought, care, and a desire to make them feel valued. In a secure relationship, gift-giving feels natural, reinforcing a sense of closeness and shared understanding.
But for some, the act of giving or receiving a gift can bring up unexpected emotions. Those with avoidant attachment tendencies might find it stressful to choose gifts, worrying about expectations or feeling pressured by the emotional weight of the gesture. On the other hand, people with an anxious attachment style may read too much into gifts, seeing them as a measure of love or commitment. These reactions highlight how gift-giving can tap into deeper relationship patterns, sometimes bringing insecurities to the surface.
How attachment styles shape our approach to gifts
Our attachment style—the way we connect with others based on early experiences—plays a huge role in how we give and receive gifts:
· Secure Attachment: Those with a secure attachment style tend to approach gift-giving with ease. They see gifts as a natural way to express care, without overthinking their meaning or feeling anxious about the response. They appreciate the thought behind a gift rather than focusing on its material value.
· Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, gifts may hold a heightened emotional significance. You might worry about whether your partner’s gift reflects their true feelings or feel hurt if a present doesn’t meet your expectations. Giving gifts may also feel like a way to seek reassurance in the relationship.
· Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with both giving and receiving gifts. They may feel uncomfortable with the intimacy that gifts represent, downplay their importance, or see them as unnecessary. Receiving gifts can sometimes feel overwhelming, as it may bring up discomfort around emotional closeness.
· Disorganised Attachment: Those with a disorganised attachment style may experience mixed feelings about gifts. They might long for meaningful gestures yet also feel wary of them, leading to confusion or discomfort around giving and receiving.
·
When gifts aren’t reciprocated
It can’t just be me who was told more than once when growing up that one mustn’t give to receive. Now that I’m an adult, I’ll happily own how frustrating it can be if gift-giving becomes too one-sided. If one partner consistently puts thought into gifts while the other seems uninterested, it can trigger feelings of rejection, resentment, or self-doubt. And depending on the individual’s experience, that imbalance can stir up old wounds—perhaps echoing early experiences of conditional love or emotional neglect.
However, a lack of reciprocation doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of love. Some people feel anxious about choosing the ‘right’ gift, fearing they won’t meet expectations. Others simply don’t see gifts as an important way to express affection. Understanding these differences can help couples communicate rather than let misunderstandings build up over time.
Why some people struggle
For some, gift-giving feels unnatural or even uncomfortable. They’re not good at asking or receiving things. This may be rooted in childhood experiences, perhaps growing up in a family where love wasn’t expressed through material gestures, or where gifts were seen as unimportant. Others may have internalised the belief that love should be shown in other ways, making them resistant to the idea of gift-giving.
Similarly, receiving gifts can be surprisingly difficult for some people. If someone struggles with self-worth, they might feel undeserving of generosity, experiencing guilt or discomfort when accepting presents. In these cases, receiving a gift becomes more than just taking an item, it becomes an emotional challenge, confronting deep-seated fears of vulnerability and trust.
Bringing awareness to gift-giving
If gift-giving feels like a source of stress in your relationship, open and honest communication is key. Talking about what gifts mean to each of you can help you understand each other’s perspectives and attachment styles. Rather than focusing purely on material presents, it’s worth exploring what makes each person feel loved and valued, whether that’s thoughtful gestures, quality time, or words of affirmation.
By becoming more aware of the emotions and expectations tied to gift-giving, we can move beyond misunderstandings and use these moments as opportunities for deeper connection. At the end of the day, the most meaningful gift we can offer one another is understanding.